


In This Life and the Next

by lexabean



Category: The 100 (TV)
Genre: Alternate Universe - Canon Divergence, Alternate Universe - Modern Setting, Angst, Character Death, Crucifixion, F/F, Fluff, Meet the Family, Polis, Soccer AU, Swimming, you guys keep hurting my little bean
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2015-07-10
Updated: 2015-09-10
Packaged: 2018-04-08 14:55:27
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 7
Words: 8,653
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/4309560
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/lexabean/pseuds/lexabean
Summary: <blockquote class="userstuff">
              <p>Because the grounder belief of reincarnation has set up such a vast array of possibilities for Clarke and Lexa, here is a collection of Clexa tumblr prompts set in both the canon and alternate universe. </p><p>Or</p><p>I've decided to hop aboard the tumblr one shot prompts shuttle.</p>
            </blockquote>





	1. Women's World Cup AU

Lexa stood readily at center field waiting for the opposing team to kick the ball into play. Stealing a glance to her right, her eyes met those of Clarke Griffin, AKA right midfield and all around _babe_. Clarke had the type of gaze a person could get lost in without realizing it. Her blue eyes had a type of flare to them that always managed to ensnare Lexa’s attention.

_“Stay focused, Woods!”_ Lexa mentally scolded herself, clenching her jaw and quickly averting her gaze. Apparently, that split second distraction was all it took for the opposing team to get the upper hand because next thing she knew, the ball was over her head and flying far away from her reach. Cursing to herself, Lexa hurriedly moved back with Clarke to get closer.

Being up against the Ice Nation in the cup finals was sure to bring its challenges but things just seemed a million times more difficult being paired with Clarke. She’d been center defense before Indra decided to move her up with Lexa after Raven injured her leg in the previous game. Lexa should be used to being in close proximity with the blonde athlete, seeing as how she was Lexa’s co captain. But those _god damn_ eyes of hers haunted Lexa in the most astounding way.

Shaking her head in an effort to regain focus, Lexa caught sight of Octavia stealing the ball from an opposing player and quickly passing it to Clarke. With the sudden upper hand, Clarke made a dash for the other side of the field. Following suit, Lexa sprinted ahead of her. Running into a jam, Clarke passed the ball onto Lexa without hesitation. In a rush of adrenaline and excitement, Lexa gave the ball one of her most powerful kicks ever from just across the mid field line before an Ice Nation player could steal the ball from her. Everyone’s eyes were glued to the ball as it flew across the field and made it miraculously over the goalie’s head.

Goal.

She scored a _goal_.

From the _mid field_.

She couldn’t believe it. Lexa stood shocked before an overwhelming need to run around in triumph over took her body and she was tackled by her teammates. Octavia half lifted her off the ground in the excitement. The crowd went hysterical. She couldn’t hear anything except the insane pounding of her heart. She smiled until her cheeks hurt. This was definitely going to be a highlight of her career.

* * *

 

After the crowd died down and everyone cried around the World Cup trophy, the victorious team retreated into the locker rooms hidden in the walls of the massive soccer stadium. Everyone was still delirious from the victory against the Ice Nation. They’d won and now it was time to celebrate with some fun.

“That was amazing! I still can’t believe it but I can because I was there, I helped make it happen but I still can’t believe it!” Octavia rambled to Indra who was full on smiling for once in her life.

“Yes, Octavia, where would we be without you.” Indra retorted with a smirk.

  
“One goal short, apparently,” quipped Raven, hurriedly catching up to the women with her crutches, “I mean if she hadn’t passed the ball to Clarke, Clarke wouldn’t have been able to pass it to Commander over there who scored that insanely bad ass mid field goal holy cow Lexa that was incredible!”

Lexa smiled at Raven in acknowledgement, cheeks tinting pink at the mention of her goal.

“Yeah, Lexa, that was amazing.” Clarke’s warm voice resonated in Lexa’s ears, only further increasing the light blush on her cheeks.

“Thank you, Clarke.” She replied, taking a seat on one of the benches and bring her foot up to remove her cleats.

As the other women moved along to their respective lockers, Clarke remained with Lexa, casually leaning her shoulder against the lockers next to the brunette and crossing her arms, “You know, we hardly hang out outside of all of this,” she said, smirk pulling at the edge of her lips.

“Is that so?” Lexa challenged playfully, finally looking up at the blonde.

“Yes, yes it is, and I’d like to change that.” Clarke replied with an equal amount of playfulness in her voice, “How about a small victory dinner after this, just you and me? We can discuss what we each plan on doing with our tiny victory moneys compared to those of the men’s World Cup.”

Maybe it was the lingering rush from the game or her sudden boldness that caused Lexa to stand from her seat and look Clarke directly in the eye. She was keenly aware of their close proximity, merely inches away from the blonde, Lexa could smell her lingering cherry blossom scented deodorant. Smirking, Lexa looked directly into the shorter girl’s endless blue eyes, “I’d love that, Clarke” she said with her signature click of the K.

Clarke visibly tried and failed to bite back a smirk, “I’ll call you later then, Commander.”

“I look forward to it.” Clarke gave quick Lexa once over before pushing herself off the locker and sauntering over to her area.

This was a great victory _indeed_.


	2. The Rejection of the Commander

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "As a way to reject the commander, Lexa is crucified and Clarke comes to the rescue."

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> Some inspiration came from ohmyheda's lovely and painful Clexa head canon 
> 
> Cheers x

Lexa knew that upon taking the mantle of Commander she would always and forever be at the mercy of her people.

Which is why she did not fight the warriors that stormed the Commander’s Palace in the dead of night and dragged her from her quarters into the open streets of Polis. Lexa was only grateful that she had insisted Clarke return to Camp Jaha that same morning to rally support against the impending attack of the Ice Nation. At least she had managed to save her from witnessing what was about to happen.

Lexa took note that the warriors dragging her through the avenues of Polis were all around her age, some even younger than herself. The mob that formed around her gathered spectators and she saw people curiously peeking out of their doors and windows. She caught sight of an elderly woman holding her hand to her mouth to stifle a gasp. In the distance, she could hear desperate cries of _“Heda!”_

The older amongst her people were tired of war. They’d known it all their lives. The previous commanders has lacked Lexa’s faith in a united front. She’d restored their hope that they may see peace before they died. Looking into their eyes, Lexa could see the fear and sorrow echoing words they could not speak. The older of her people had been relieved when her army returned mostly intact, having expected a large death toll from the battle at the mountain. They had been more than happy to embrace their children, alive and well. They had been content with a victory by conceit.

But the other half of her people were outraged. Driven by youthful vengeance and rage, they’d sought justice at the mountain. They wanted to be the ones to spill the blood of the _Maunon_ who had murdered their people for decades, robbing families of mothers, fathers, children, and loved ones. They wanted blood and Lexa had chosen mercy over justice.

That was the last crack in the coalition for her entire vision for peace to shatter before her eyes.

She would not live to see the end of the week.

The first thing they did was drag her to the center of Polis, a large open plaza. A crowd had already begun to form by the time she was brought there. A large stone pillar with shackles awaited her. Lexa clenched her jaw and swallowed thickly.

Her warriors would not been gentle.

They tore at her clothes and sliced open her black under shirt before ripping it off her, kicking her to her knees, and shackling her to the pillar. Lexa heard the tell tale clatter of small metal spheres. Her breath hitched in dread at the sound of the flagrum. Balling her hands into fists, she braced herself for the lashing. Even the most versatile warrior would have to give in to the urge and cry out in pain as their skin was slashed into bloody ribbons of flesh. Lexa may have been commander, but she was still very much human.

The processes of rejecting the commander was apparently taken from an ancient text written thousands of years ago. Her people had adopted the practice, implementing it with the first rejection of a commander only three predecessors before her.

She’d be the second ever rejected in this way.

They didn’t let her pass out but once she stopped crying out, exhausted from the pain, only then was the whipping stopped. Lexa only had a few minutes to breathe through the throbbing mess that was her back. She could feel blood soaking the hem of her shorts. Some droplets managed to curve into her abdomen before falling onto her thighs.

Lexa’s chest filled with a renewed sense of dread as the caught sight of some warriors dragging a wooden cross into view. She didn’t fight against her people when they manhandled her onto the frame of the cross.

The wood splintered painfully into the raw flesh of her back and this time, Lexa didn’t bite back the groan of pain. She tried to calm her breathing as two women took hold of her wrists and stretched them out on either side of her. Breathing suddenly became a little more difficult. She didn’t glance down to see who took her bare feet and secured them flatly against the wood, bending her knees.

Lexa felt her eyes glisten with moisture. There was no stopping the swell of fear and betrayal in her heart. She’d be lying to herself if she said she didn’t feel anger towards her people, because she did, but that anger was overshadowed by the anger she felt towards herself. She let this happen. She made the decisions that had angered her people and lead them to reject her. If anyone was to blame, it was herself. Lexa reasoned the best thing she could do now was resign herself to the rejection and go without a fight. Her people needed a new leader, someone who wasn’t so weak.

Shutting her eyes tightly and grinding her molars together, Lexa let a single tear fall. She arched against the wooden cross, yelping when the first steel nail was driven into her flesh.

" _It will be situated here, between the radius and the ulna,” Anya had pointed to the spot below Lexa’s palm and continued, “then another through the arches of your feet into your metatarsals.” The anatomical terms escaped Lexa’s understanding then but she hadn’t let it show. She had looked into Lexa’s youthful eyes with sincerity and worry, “My grandmother saw it happen to the commander. She said his cries could be heard through every nook and cranny of Polis for days after he’d been nailed to the cross.”_

Anya’s words echo softly in Lexa’s ears. She’d listened carefully back then, mindful, but not fearful of Anya’s story. Lexa had been confident, so sure she’d lead her people without ever making a mistake as severe as the one that commander had made. She had once believed she’d meet her death in battle, a glorious end to a glorious leader.

How wrong she’d been.

The pain from the nails in her wrists overwhelmed her system; she’d hardly felt the one that went through her feet. Her mind was reeling in agony like she’d never experienced before. She gave a deep and true cry of anguish when the cross was erected and all of her weight pulled on her wrists, sending shock waves up her arms and shoulders. There was no way to relieve any of it. When her shoulders and arms began to tremble in exertion, she pushed on her bloodied feet but that only caused the pain to shift from her upper body to her lower body.

Breathing was nearly impossible. She felt like she was suffocating. Every movement, every breath, brought agony in unrelenting waves up every nerve in her body.

She wasn’t the commander; she wasn’t the peace seeking visionary; she wasn’t Lexa falling rapidly for the brave Sky leader.

She was pain.

****

Shouts and commotion were heard in the distance. The warriors guarding her abandoned their post without hesitation. Was there really a need to keep watch over a woman nailed to cross?

Lexa’s body sagged further into the wooden cross. Her agony had not subsided, in fact, it seemed even worse. The effort to breathe and keep her head up was slowly chipping away at her resolve. Lexa forced herself to focus on the the world around her. Night was beginning to fall once more, making it easier for her to see the large flames burning in the distance against the pale shades of purple and pink clouds.

 _Azgeda_.

She knew they’d eventually come for the capital. Lexa could only imagine the Ice Queen’s disappointment when she takes Polis, ready to kill Lexa only to see the commander’s people have already done that for her.

  
Averting her eyes from the burning walls of Polis, Lexa gazed up at the stars and couldn’t help but think of the beautiful sky girl she’d leave behind. While not forgiven, Lexa’s relationship with Clarke had taken an intimate turn. Lexa gave up any and all hope of forgiveness, simply content with having Clarke around. That was part of the reason Lexa readily gave herself to her people. Despite her adoration for Clarke, Lexa knew that anything beyond what they had become was impossible and hope for it was naive.

Clarke hated her, or at least she tried to. Lexa saw it her eyes. That forced hostile ire and sometimes disgust with Lexa’s presence. She’d be lying if she said she wasn’t affected by it. She took relief in that her death would not only mean her people would gain a stronger leader, but that she’d finally stop being the source of Clarke’s fueled grudge and anger.

Lexa was brought back to reality when a forceful jerk of the cross caused her to groan painfully. Before she could properly register what was happening, she found herself releasing an involuntary sigh of relief as the cross was lowered and the enormous strain on her limbs dissipated. Tears of joy prickled at her eyes.

“Lexa, _Lexa_ –look at me, hey come on,” her eyes strained to focus on the hovering figure above her. In the darkness, all Lexa saw was golden hair and the faint glow of fire light, but she’d recognize her anywhere.

“Clarke,” she croaked out. Her mouth felt like a desert and she imagined her lips were as cracked and split as they felt.

“Don’t try to talk, we’ll get you out of here I promise.” Clarke’s voice held an unexpected tremble that made Lexa think she almost sounded scared, worried even. The thought made Lexa’s heart flutter with hope. Clarke’s soft hand gently moved a piece of stray hair behind Lexa’s before coming to rest on the battered commander’s cheek. Lexa leaned into her hand, taking a moment to be comforted by Clarke’s soothing gesture.

Lincoln’s blurry face came into view warning her to brace herself and try to be quiet as he, Bellamy, and Octavia pulled the nails out. Swallowing her apprehension, Lexa gave a nod of acknowledgement. Clarke placed her hand on Lexa’s neck, letting her thumb run gently across the curve beneath Lexa’s ear, “It’s okay just focus on me.” Clarke’s forehead rested firmly against the brunette’s. The gesture almost made the tears spill onto her cheek. Lexa closed her eyes and nodded, grateful to have someone to hold on to.

After having the nails simultaneously pulled out with nothing but the violent jerk of her body to indicate she’d felt anything, Lexa was quickly gathered up by Lincoln who wrapped a thin blanket around her shoulders. Without missing a beat, Clarke jumped on her horse and opened up her arms as Lincoln approached to place Lexa in front of her.

Lexa felt weightless in front of Clarke. Her injured body sagged into the blonde involuntarily despite the pain in her back. Clarke’s arms wrapped safely around her middle as the horse spurred to life, galloping through the streets of Polis and into the darkness of the forest.

“How did you know?” Lexa asked weakly once the horse settled into a gentler trot.

“Lincoln caught wind of a planned coup while in the barracks with the other warriors. He slipped away during a hunt to come find me.” Clarke answered automatically. She took a breath before continuing, “You’re gonna be fine, Lexa.” Her voice held a strange tone to it. Lexa wondered who she was really trying to reassure.

“You should not have come, Clarke.”

Clarke stiffened behind her, “I thought we already discussed manners after someone saves your life.”

“I am serious. This will not end.” Her voice was barely above a whisper at this point. The combined physical trauma and the trotting of the horse tiring her into further exhaustion.

“You should rest, Commander. We’ll talk when you’re safe. “ The use of her title didn’t escape Lexa. It left her feeling empty inside.

She knew her people would come for her, that was inevitable.

What Lexa did have control over was _this_ , how she would spend her last bit of time with Clarke.

So she she gave in.

Nodding, Lexa closed her eyes, relishing in the feeling of being surrounded by Clarke. The Sky girl’s soft smell filled her nostrils and her body sank further into her warmth.

Lexa may have belonged to her people from day one; but in this moment, she belonged to Clarke.


	3. Lexa has family what

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Prompt: Turns out, Lexa still has family. Clarke meets them by coincidence (I just imagine that contraception isn't that good in that situation and that, even if her parents are dead, she must at least have siblings left or something. Can be parents or siblings, thanks)"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> This is something I head canoned a long time ago so I was super excited to write this. It was fun to do though it ended up a little more serious than I originally intended. Hope you guys like it!

“You can stay here. I’ll return with more furs,” Lexa said as she pushed open the door of one of the many rooms in the Commander’s Palace. Without another word, she quietly disappeared into the dark hallways of her home, leaving Clarke to explore her quarters.

The room was moderately spacious. A large bed, a soft brown couch, and a wooden desk decorated the room. A small fire flickered in the fireplace opposite the bed, giving the room a warm orange glow. However, what caught Clarke’s attention the most was the large glass window parallel to the door. Stepping through the threshold, she absentmindedly dropped her bag and walked over it. Purple curtains were pulled to the side, revealing a beautiful view of the enormous city of Polis. Yellow flickers of light could be seen in the streets in contrast to the dark shadows caused by the full moon light.

_“Polis will change the way you think about us”_

She’d expected a large settlement, maybe a city that held about eight thousand people. She hadn’t expected a metropolis. One of the attendants mentioned in passing that the city was teetering on ninety thousand inhabitants. The city was alive, people flowed like blood through the vessel like streets as if nothing could ever be more natural. After being taken in by Luna’s people by the coast she’d been surprised to learn that the capitol was only two days away.

Lexa hadn’t hesitated to offer her a room in the Commander’s Palace. Clarke took the offer wordlessly. She didn’t see a need to express her thanks, or even acknowledge the Commander’s offer of a tour of Polis. After what Lexa did, Clarke reasoned she didn’t owe the Commander _shit_.

“Are you one of Lexa’s lady guests?” Asked a smug young voice from behind.

Completely startled, Clarke’s hand went instinctively to the hilt of her dagger at her waist. When she turned around, she was met by the sight of an amused boy, no older than twelve, standing in her doorway. Clarke mentally cursed herself for carelessly leaving her door open.

The boy looked at her with a barely concealed smirk tugging at the corner of his lips. His face carried an air of familiarity she couldn’t immediately place. This did nothing to ease her.

“My name is Axel.” He spoke evenly and calmly, not at all fearful of the blonde stranger before him. Realizing she had been stunned into silence, Clarke was about to introduce herself before another stranger appeared at her doorway.

“Axel, you know Lexa doesn’t like you bothering her company!” If the boy stunned Clarke into silence, then the girl nearly rendered her mute. While she seemed related to Axel, the girl bore a much more startling resemblance to the Commander herself.  

“Who cares what she likes? She was our sister before she was ever _Heda_ so she _and_ her company will tolerate me until forever.” Axel retorted, crossing his arms.

Clarke’s eyes went back and forth between the two siblings, completely at a loss, “ _Sister?_ ” She finally managed to ask disbelievingly, cutting into their argument.   

The pair turned to her, as if suddenly remembering she was there, “Yes, sister. Lexa has family, just like the rest of you,” Axel answered in a defensive and somewhat offended manner. His eyes held the same cautious glint Clarke had seen in Lexa’s eyes so many times before.

“It’s not her fault, Axel.” The girl reasoned, “She’s been trained like the rest of them to see her as some sort of untouchable god,” She explained, turning her attention back to Clarke. “If you’re here to play games, you should leave. She hasn’t been in a good place since the fall of The Mountain and exploiting her for your own pleasure will not do anyone any good.” The fire in her words startled Clarke. The girl appeared to be around her age, maybe a year younger but the combined force of her defensive glare and stone hard voice could easily fool anyone into mistaking her for a general.

“I’m not here to exploit her,” out loud, those words didn’t feel so true to Clarke’s still bitter conscience, “and I’m not one of her people either.” At this, both siblings raised an eyebrow in disbelief.

“Then who–?” Axel started but was cut off by yet another person Clarke didn’t recognize.

“She’s the leader of the Sky People, you _branwada_.” A woman significantly older than Clarke entered the room, resting her elbow on the Axel’s head and tilting her head knowingly at Clarke. She had multiple piercings on her ears and a tattoo of two thick vertical stripes running from her chin to the base of her throat. Her hair was buzzed short on both sides of her head, leaving the middle to be tied back into a ponytail of intricate braids. She had the presence of a warrior; Clarke guessed she was a leader of some kind, “She brought down the mountain” the woman stated nonchalantly.  

Clarke just stared at them and they stared back. She tried to force herself to relax but her grip on the hilt of her dagger only seemed to tighten. “My name is Mapone,” the oldest offered, “you’ve met Axel and Leda.” She paused before continuing, “We’re–”

“Not supposed to be here.” Lexa finished, entering the now crowded room with a roll of furs under her arms, “Axel, Leda, your rooms are an entire floor above this one. Why are you here and don’t tell me you were looking for the bathroom.”

“We were looking for the bathroom.” They answered in unison. Clarke couldn’t help but be amused.

Lexa huffed before pointing to the open hallway, “Sleep. Now.”

Both Axel and Leda gave Clarke one last look before moving to leave. Each curtsied before the Commander playfully and taking their leave with a quiet _“Sha, Heda.”_

Lexa rolled her eyes before turning her attention to where Mapone was leaning against the doorframe with a grin, “They missed you.” Clarke took note of Mapone’s slightly taller frame looking down sincerely at Lexa.

“I will speak with all of you in the morning.” Lexa said, not acknowledging her sister’s words.  
  
“I missed you.” Mapone tilted her head, never leaving Lexa’s gaze but resigning herself to not getting any words from the Commander after a few moments of silence. In the darkness, Lexa’s face was unreadable but the tightness in her jaw let Clarke know that her presence demanded the Commander of Lexa, leaving no room for her to be a sister to Mapone. With a sigh, she pushed herself off the doorframe, giving Lexa a playful punch on the shoulder and dismissing herself from the two leaders.

The room suddenly felt too empty. The space between Clarke and Lexa seemed almost endless. As if remembering her purpose on Clarke’s quarters, Lexa quietly moved to the bed to set down the furs, “Do you need anything else?”

The simple question angered the blonde, “That’s it? Your siblings stumble in here and you’re not even going to explain anything? Are you even gonna acknowledge what just happened?”

“What would you like me to say? I have family, yes.” Lexa’s eyes moved from Clarke’s to the open window, “Believe it or not, Clarke, I did not sprout up into existence.” Her statement made Clarke’s mind suddenly flood with images of Lexa as a child.

Lexa playing, laughing, crying, smiling in joy without the burden of an entire civilization on her shoulders. The thought made Clarke feel guilty, guilty for dismissing every shred of Lexa’s humanity to make her hatred for the Commander burn stronger, _easier_ , because it was easier to pretend Lexa was a heartless monster that began existing the moment Clarke met her than it was to acknowledge that Lexa felt as deeply as she did, maybe even more so.

“Are there others?” Clarke asked after a beat of silence.

Lexa turned back to the blonde, her eyes warring between maintaining her facade and allowing herself a shred of vulnerability, “Twin brothers, older than myself but younger than Mapone.” Lexa clenched her jaw solemnly, “They were taken by The Mountain five years ago.” Her arm came up to fiddle with the hilt of her sword, eyes seemingly lost in the past.

A new wave of regret washed over Clarke for triggering a memory, “I’m sorry, I didn’t–”

“It’s fine, Clarke” offered the Commander, “the dead are gone, the living–”

“–Are hungry.” She finished, “Yeah, I know.”

Lexa simply sighed in acknowledgement, not an annoyed or frustrated sigh, but a tired sigh that Clarke could feel in her chest, “I’ll arrange for someone to get you new clothes in the morning before breakfast.”

As she made for the door, Clarke called her back, “Lexa, wait” the Commander turned to her expectantly, “about the tour–I’d like you to show me around, if the offer still stands.”

A small unexpected smile tugged lightly at the corner of Lexa’s lips, “Of course; although, now that Axel and Leda know who you are, I can not guarantee that they won’t want to come along. I may be commander, but I can’t control their every impulse.”

Clarke’s eyes softened, “That’s fine.”

“I shall make arrangements tomorrow then.” Lexa gave her a curt nod, “Good night, Clarke.”

“Good night, Lexa.” She called after her as the brunette exited.

A new feeling bubbled in Clarke’s chest. It wasn’t quite forgiveness or trust, but a kind of hope she hadn’t felt in a long time. It helped Clarke believe that despite all the turmoil endured over the past few months, there was a chance, a tiny possibility, that maybe she’d be okay.


	4. Swimming Lessons

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "For a prompt, Lexa teaching Clarke how to swim, please"

“Lexa, this is a bad idea.”

“Clarke, this is a basic skill all of my people learn from the moment they’re born, and” Lexa gave Clarke a charming smirk, “since you are now my people too, it would be irresponsible of me as Commander to not teach you to swim properly.”

Clarke couldn’t help but smirk too. She had to admit that Lexa’s rare smiles had a way of lightening her mood, “Well, I must be pretty special if the Commander herself is giving me my swimming lessons.”

“They aren’t really lessons if you keep holding onto me like this, Clarke.” Her words only made the blonde tighten her hold on the Commander’s shoulders.

“I quite like this actually.”

Lexa gave an exasperated sigh; though she couldn’t really complain about standing half naked in a lake with her new equal in life straddling her to keep from sinking in the water, “ _Clarke_.”

“Okay, okay,” Clarke lessened her hold and looked down at Lexa, “where shall we begin _ai heda_?” She knew teasing Lexa was the only way to make it through this swimming lesson without having a melt down in the water.

“Well, first, you have to let go of my hips, Clarke.” Lexa said as she gave Clarke’s thigh a gentle squeeze. “Don’t worry, I’ll be right here,” she added, noting the blonde’s sudden apprehension.

Clarke simply nodded, giving a shuddering sigh as she slowly untangled herself from the Commander’s strong frame, “Okay, okay, I’m doing this,” she felt around until her toes touched the lake floor while maintaining an iron grip on Lexa’s biceps. Finally finding firm footing, Clarke let out a relieved sigh, “You know, this isn’t that bad. I expect–” suddenly, Clarke fell under, giving a small yelp of surprise.

“Clarke!” The Commander’s eyes went wide with fear, ready to slay which ever creature dared attack her precious sky girl only to have the blonde jump up from beneath the surface in laughter. Lexa’s face went from fear to confusion to exasperation in less than five seconds.

Just when she thought Clarke was done, the girl caught Lexa’s eyes and broke into another fit of laughter, “This isn’t funny, Clarke.” She said with a glare.

“It is, oh my god” she said in between breathes, “Lexa, you’re pouting again, aw.” Clarke tilted her head in endearment.

Lexa did her best to ignore the blonde and how her cheeks were still red from the laughter, how that annoying smile still decorated her lips, how the water seemed to make her hair glisten like gold, and even how her voice jumped two octaves at noting her pout but she knew she was done for when Clarke crossed the distance between them, “Hey, c'mon now,” Clarke’s soft hands pulled Lexa’s face back to her, “I was joking.”

“Clarke, this is serious.” Lexa tried.

Sighing, Clarke bit her bottom lip, “I know, it’s just, the last few days have been such a whirlwind,” a small smile blossomed on her cheeks, “it’s hard trying to be serious when all I want is to laugh and play with you.”

Giving in completely, Lexa leaned in and gave Clarke a chaste kiss, “I know,” a shy smile tugged at her lips, “me too.” For a moment, they just leaned into each other, enjoying the silence of the lake, “I guess we should move this swimming lesson to later date?” She asked, already moving towards land.

“Actually,” Clarke said, tugging on Lexa’s hand, “since we’re already wet, we might as well enjoy the lake.” The mischievous glint in her eyes caused a new warmth to wash over Lexa. “What do you say?”

“Who am I to deny the Commander’s _houmon_?”

The two women splashed back into the water in a fit of giggles and smiles, temporarily deaf to the world around them.


	5. Continuation of 2

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "May I ask for a second part of the crucification prompt? It was really really good."

It had been three days.

Three days since an out of breath Lincoln caught up to Clarke in  the woods.

Three days since Bellamy and Octavia reluctantly helped her rescue the Commander.

Three days since Lexa was conscious.

The injuries to her extremities were startling. Without the medicine of the Ark, Clarke was sure they’d have grown septic. The wounds on her wrists wouldn’t stop bleeding and her feet had broken bones.

But her back–

Her back was a _mess_. Clarke couldn’t find another way to describe it. The black and yellow bruising had been obscured by the torn flesh and muscle. They had to soak her back in antiseptics and salve (which had inadvertently woken the Commander in spasms and groans of agony) before stitching up the larger open wounds and applying a bandage (by which time a sedative had been administered).

Which is how Clarke ended up in the ICU of the infirmary watching after Lexa. She’d been placed on her stomach to prevent irritation and unnecessary pain her back but she had to be moved to her side to avoid too much pressure on her ribs.  

Clarke didn’t think she’d ever seen the Commander so relaxed yet so tense. She’d seen her relaxed the morning after they’d first slept together in Polis. Clarke had been too cowardly to stay so she’d taken her leave without waking the brunette but not before stealing a glance at her soft lips and youthful skin.

It was gross how innocent Lexa could appear in her sleep. It was almost wrong.

But now that innocence was accompanied by tense muscles and a jaw that would clench every few minutes. Her brow would furrow on occasion and her breathing would quicken. Nightmares. Clarke was at a loss for what to do the first time this happened. Leaving felt wrong but so did comforting her. The comfort she’d provided in Polis, after they’d taken down the cross, had been a temporary lapse in judgment, Clarke reasoned. This was the same woman who’d left her to die some two months ago, the same woman who’d forced her hand at Mount Weather. Clarke had told Lexa she’d killed her at the mountain. She’d killed the Clarke she used to be, she was the reason Clarke’s hands were soaked in blood.

And yet–

She was the only one who understood the pain, the burden, the _confusion_. Whether she liked it or not, Lexa felt the weight of Clarke’s burden by way of experience, not sympathy like everyone else at Camp Jaha. They looked at her with furrowed brows and sad eyes. Clarke hated it.

With a tired sigh, Clarke shook those thoughts from her mind and stood from her chair, ready to turn the ailing Commander on her side. It wasn’t until she sat back down and pulled out her sketchbook that she felt eyes on her. Looking up, she was met with the forest green of Lexa’s eyes. In the dim lighting of the room, Clarke couldn’t imagine a more beautiful shade, “Hi.”

Lexa simply stared at Clarke, face unreadable and eyes flickering between the blonde’s own dark blue irises. She tested the moisture of her mouth and cringed at the dryness. She was about to ask Clarke for water but the blonde was already kneeling in front of her with a full glass. She tipped it forward and drank greedily, droplets spilling onto the corner of her mouth and over her chin, wetting the mattress.

Lexa let her head fall back onto the pillow and closed her eyes while trying to catch her breath. She heard Clarke set down now empty glass, “Why did you do this, Clarke?” Lexa clenched her jaw, eyes still shut.

Clarke bit her lip, “I thought we discussed this, when someone saves your life–”

“I’m serious.” Lexa interrupted her attempt to lighten the atmosphere before looking at Clarke, “How long do you think it will take before they figure out it was you who took me? What will your people do when they arrive at the gates with an army demanding me back?”

Clarke looked away guiltily. She hadn’t thought about the consequences. Truthfully, she hadn’t thought much at all. When Lincoln told her they were planning on killing the Commander she hadn’t hesitated to spur her horse forward to Camp Jaha. Her only thought was keeping Lexa alive.

  
When Clarke didn’t answer, Lexa continued, “They will hand me over without hesitation. They still blame me for Mount Weather and they won’t go to war for me Clarke and you know it. It is what I would do.”

Something in Clarke finally stirred and she looked back at the brunette, “Yeah, we’ll we’re not you. We’re not gonna just hand you over.” Her voice betrayed her words and Clarke started questioning if she was talking to Lexa or herself.

“Clarke–”

“ _No, Lexa_. I refuse to just hand you over to die. I-we’ll find a way. There has to be way around this. They can’t just–” The feeling of Lexa’s warm hand on her own finally broke Clarke. She bowed her head and bit back the sob bubbling in the back of her throat. She suddenly felt like she was breathing through a straw. Her eyes burned with tears that she was too weak to hold back.

Lexa’s other arm managed to wrap around her shaking shoulders and bring her closer. Clarke’s forehead came to rest against the commander’s shoulder as she let go. She stopped fighting the fear and dread and tenderness brimming in her heart and let it spill into reality.

Clarke was terrified.

She was terrified by the very real (and almost inevitable) possibility that Lexa would die at the hands of her people and there would be nothing anyone could do about it.

She was terrified because Lexa’s death would mean she alone must bear the burden and guilt and self hatred for all the horrendous things she’s done to survive.

If Lexa dies, she’s afraid she’ll be crushed under the weight of her mistakes, of her decisions, and Clarke wasn’t sure she’d survive it.

She wasn’t sure she wanted to.

Lexa’s gentle fingertips rubbed small circles on Clarke’s shoulder blade, “Death is not the end, Clarke.” Her hand tightened around the blonde’s “You will survive this.”  

Clarke slowly shook her head against Lexa’s shoulder, “I don’t want to,” she croaked out shamefully.

“You can do what I can not, Clarke. You are not bound like I am, you are free from the shackles of responsibility and tradition. You can escape this, Clarke, and I want you to do it, for me.” At this, Calrke leaned back and looked at Lexa through the tears in her eyes, “I want you to push forward. You can’t let me kill you again. Let this be the last time.”

Lexa’s voice was the softest Clarke had ever heard it and for a moment she allowed the world outside the room disappear, she allowed the muffled bustle of the medical ward fade into silence and the details of their surroundings fade into nothing and she focused on the tenderness and love in Lexa’s eyes.

Clarke bit back a frown and reluctantly tipped her chin in frightened affirmation before leaning forward to catch Lexa’s pink lips. They were cracked and tender so Clarke was gentle, gentle as Lexa was the first time they kissed, and for Clarke,

it was perfect

it was enough

it had to be. 


	6. The Giving Tree

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> "Prompt: When Costia was still alive she used to read books to Lexa after Lexa came back from commander training and boring council meetings. Lexa's favorite books were the children's books bc she loved resting on Costia's shoulder looking at the pretty pictures and loved that they all had happy endings. But of course, Costia still gets taken and there are no happy endings. Cue angst :''')"

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> thank you girlpash for helping me with plot ideas :)
> 
> The book is called The Giving Tree is ya'll are curious.

It was well past midnight when they returned. Her army marched into Polis and scattered into the nearest taverns and inns like moths to a flame. She had briefly considered joining some of her generals, maybe even pick up a little company for the night; but a girl in the tavern with long blonde hair who bore a glancing resemblance to a certain Skaikru halted the Commander in her tracks. A cold chill went down her spine and she excused herself immediately.

The walk to the Commander’s Palace was quiet and lonely save for the full moonlight that followed her to her quarters. Pushing her door open, glanced around at dark open space illuminated by the white moonlight

It had been almost a year since her last stay here.

Skirmishes with clans and the ever present threat of civil war within the coalition had kept her away. Discarding her armour and weapons lazily on the ground, Lexa felt around for a lantern and candles when she nearly tripped over a piece of furniture.  

Cursing, she glanced down at the offending piece only to have her initial anger fade into surprise.

She’d tripped over a green chest, one she hadn’t seen in over two years and hadn’t expected to ever see again since she’d had it moved to storage ages ago. Lexa carefully sat down in front of it, unlocking it with careful reverence using the key she always kept in her pocket.

Lexa held on to the lid for a moment of hesitation before pushing it open. A puff of dust escaped the wooden chest, causing her to swat the air away.

The brunette stared inside before gently removing the first book of many stacked neatly inside. Brushing the dirt off the cover revealed a title Lexa knew so well.

A strange type of sadness gripped her chest as she opened the green hardcover book.

At the sight and texture of the first yellowing and grainy page, the smallest of smiles graced Lexa’s lips and memories took hold of her mind

* * *

 

“ _‘Don’t need very much now’ said the boy, ‘just a quiet place to sit and rest…’_ ” Costia’s soft voice echoed in Lexa’s ears like sweet honey. The light accent drove Lexa absolutely mad with adoration. It was Lexa’s favorite thing about the girl, after her curly brown hair and soft mocha skin.

She’d stopped listening to the words a while ago, already familiar with the story, and had instead taken to closing her eyes and admiring the gentle sound of Costia’s voice. Sometimes she would open her eyes to gaze at the soft skin of Costia’s hands, hands that were used for healing and not fighting, hands that Lexa’s had felt so many times over the expanse of her back or the ridges of her stomach up to her sternum to feel the steady thrum of her heart.

“ _‘–and the boy did, and the tree was happy’._ ” It took the extended beat of silence for Lexa to realize Costia had finished reading. Sighing, she tightened her hold on Costia’s waist and buried her head further into her chest, “This book is falling apart. I seems like one more read and it will turn to ashes in my hands.”

“It is my favorite.” Lexa said, closing her eyes and getting comfortable.

“And yet you insist on falling asleep whenever I read it to you.”

“Is that not why they call it a bedtime story, Costia?”

Costia quirked her lips into a playful smile, “Do you even know what the pictures look like?”

Lexa drew back to look up at her, almost offended, “Of course.” Costia raised her eyebrow in disbelief, “They are simple line drawings of the boy and the tree.”

Costia’s sweet giggle tugged a smile onto the Commander’s lips, “All ready for bed, _Heda_?” She laughed again at Lexa’s whine of disapproval.

“I am comfortable as we are.”

“I highly doubt you are comfortable even in the underlayers of your armor. And your muddy boots are getting filth all over the bed; I have told you many times to remove them when you get home.” She chided.

_Home._

The word resonated in Lexa’s mind.

Home, she had a _home_ with Costia. Her heart fluttered and a sudden but not unwelcome warmth settled deeply in Lexa’s chest. She smiled before leaning up to give a chaste kiss to Costia’s collarbone before getting up to shed her clothes, “It’s been too long of a day,” she sighed.

Costia, already in her light purple nightgown, simply observed Lexa from the bed, “I have missed you” when she received no answer she continued, “You have been gone a long time, more frequently,” she hesitated for a moment before asking, “is something wrong? Should I be worried about you?” Realizing her last question, Costia bowed her head and let out a small chuckle, “Of course I should worry, you are _Heda._ ”

Lexa set down the shirt she was about to put on and was suddenly at her side, cupping her cheek in an attempt to sooth her worry, “Costia, you mustn’t think that way.” She paused, searching for the right words, “I don’t want to tell you too much. I want you safe,” Costia gave her a look and Lexa rolled her eyes, “As safe as the _Heda’s houmon_ could ever be, I suppose.” Giving Costia a sad smile, Lexa moved to push herself up and resume dressing but Costia’s firm hold on her forearm kept her grounded.

Costia pulled Lexa down into a soft kiss. Before long, Costia buried her hands in Lexa’s braids, tugging her closer and forcing the kiss to turn feverish and hungry. It didn’t take much else for Lexa to climb up onto the bed, clothes forgotten, and embrace the rare moment of solace with Costia.

* * *

 

It wasn’t until a tear rolled off her nose and landed on the worn page that Lexa realized she was crying. She shut the book and buried her head in her hands, physically trying to shake the sadness from her mind.

This was why she’d sent the chest away those years ago. It had become a childish reminder of who she used to be, who she could never be again. Gritting her teeth angrily, Lexa cursed the world, cursed her foolishness and naivety for even wanting some semblance of that once more.

Clarke didn’t deserve the pain Lexa had caused her. Clarke didn’t deserve the almost certain death at the hands of the Mountain Men.

What was warranted, however, _was_ the guilt on Lexa’s shoulders.

_“What you did tonight will haunt you until the end of your days”_

Lexa chuckled dryly at the echo of her own words. That was true of most every decision she made as Commander, but some decisions resonated louder than others, almost deafeningly loud.

Tiredly wiping away the tears from her face, Lexa stood stiffly from her place on the floor and walked over to her bed. It wasn’t until she moved to get comfortable that she realized she still held the green book on her hand.

Sighing, she tucked the worn green book under her pillow.


	7. Could Never Hate you

**Summary for the Chapter:**

> In which Lexa makes a sacrifice.

**Notes for the Chapter:**

> wrote this because this song demanded angst so I recommend listening to it while reading this https://www.youtube.com/watch?v=FiL1pLa9hbo

Clarke’s heart seized in dread and fear as she looked down at the woman in her arms.

_‘This can’t be happening’_ she thought, “Lex-Lexa! Look at me, damn it! Lexa, open your eyes, come on, open your eyes you bastard and _look at me!_ ” She plead angrily. Her voice cracked in the slightest. Her vision blurred with unshed tears. She clenched her jaw and willed them not to fall, “Lexa!”

Finally, after a few agonizing seconds, the woman in question peeled her eyes open just a crack if only to appease the angry blonde hovering above her.

“Clarke,” Lexa rasped out. One corner of her bloody lips curled up into the tiniest of smiles only to be pulled down into a painful grimace and tight gasp of air. Her chest was on fire and she felt like she was drowning but at the sight of Clarke, Lexa did her best to hide her discomfort, if only to mitigate the immense guilt she imagined Clarke must be feeling.

“You stupid, stupid…” Clarke trailed off, doing her best to seem angry but only succeeding in pulling Lexa’s dying body closer to her chest, “Lexa, why would you do this, why?” Her voice was small now, desperate and sad in a way Lexa had never heard before and that made the situation all the more desolate.

“I-it was either you o-or me,” Lexa took a breath, feeling as if she’d just chased a boar, not spoken a few words. She forced her eyes to focus on Clarke, wanting to convey the truth and emotion behind her words, “a-and I wasn’t going to le-let them hurt y-you.”

It didn’t escape Clarke how quiet Lexa’s usual demanding voice was, or how her chest hitched in pain every few seconds. She could only imagine the agony the brunette was going through, physically and emotionally.

Clarke wasn’t going to deny it, she knew exactly why Lexa did what she did, why she handed herself over to the enemy in exchange for Clarke’s life. People will tell stories of the great _Heda Alexandria_ who sacrificed her life for her people, for peace, but none but Clarke will know the truth of how the fickle Commander handed herself over to protect a girl who fell from the sky.

A girl she grew to care about; a girl she fell in love with.

Suddenly, all the anger and hatred Clarke has hoarded over the years, towards the Coalition, towards the Mountain, towards Lexa, all seemed absolutely useless and childish and _stupid._ She spent so much time being angry at the world. Even when she returned from her self imposed exile, she never stopped hating the world, hating the cruelty of it.

When Clarke had taken refuge in Polis, in Lexa’s home because damn it Lexa owed her more than a place to sleep after what she’d done, Lexa had allowed Clarke to hate her. She’d accepted the cold remarks and overall disgust with her presence from Clarke, if it meant the blonde could start to forgive herself.

But now, more than ever, Clarke hated herself and not even Lexa, weak, trembling, and dying in her arms, could make that go away.

A single tear made its way down Clarke’s cheek, “Don’t do this, please Lexa, I can’t do this alone.” She plead.

Lexa smiled again and Clarke didn’t know if the feeling in her chest was anger or sorrow at her for having the audacity to smile at a time like this, “You will be fi-fine, Clarke.” The click of the ‘k’ in her name brought an unexpected sob up and out of her throat.

“This can’t be happening,” she sobbed, bowing and shaking her head desperately.

“Yo-you have survived well o-on your o-wn,” Lexa’s cold and bloody hand came up to clasp over Clarke’s where it now clutched uselessly at the gaping wound on the dying Commander’s chest, “I have faith that you, o-of all people, can s-survive this,” She clutched tighter in an attempt to get the blonde to listen, “You will survive this, C-Clarke”

Again, she shook her head, “I’m sorry,” the tears fell freely now, there was no point in hiding it anymore because Lexa was _dying_ , “I’m so sorry, Lexa.” A sob racked her hunched shoulders. She had hated Lexa but never had she imagined her dying. In all her hatred, Clarke had done her best to erase Lexa’s humanity from her mind and by extension, her mortality. Never, had she imagined losing her. In her mind, Lexa had been a constant, always there but never really aging.

Now it was Lexa shaking her head. Clarke would’ve laughed had she not been so busy crying. As with everything else, Lexa was again pushing aside her own feelings, her own agony for the sake of comforting Clarke, “We both m-made mistakes, Clarke,” she visibly swallowed down the blood that was bubbling from her lungs into her mouth, “b-but th-they do not de-define us.” Clarke hated the way Lexa’s voice trembled with exertion.

_‘This can’t be happening’_

Taking deep breath and clenching her jaw, Clarke did her best to compose herself before looking back into Lexa’s forest green eyes. Even in the darkness of summer she could see the utter love and purity of emotion in her eyes. They held a glint of emotion that, it seemed, only Clarke could ever catch onto.

“I never hated you.” She confessed with a sniffle, staring straight ahead into the darkness of the forest, focusing on the detail of a pine tree’s bark.

Lexa’s eyes began to flutter, her head curled deeper into Clarke’s chest, “I know.” She swallowed thickly, “I’ve always been weak.” Her words were clear and uninterrupted.

“I know.” Clarke said to the emptiness of the forest.

Lexa’s chest hitched one last time before she let out the quietest of sighs. Clarke’s eyes didn’t leave the pine tree’s bark as she curled over Lexa’s form and pressed a gentle kiss to her forehead.

The crickets chirped. The forest groaned in the middle of the night,

And Clarke was alone.

**Author's Note:**

> Send me a prompt at lexabean.tumblr.com


End file.
